Friday, May 28, 2010

How do you rebuild a friendship? I think first I have to go slow. I don't think I want to get together all the time anyway. But it is hard to over come the hurt...really hard. I really want though to have a better relationship...the question though is does she want that? I am not sure. i still think she doesn't like she said but I dont know. I guess i will just have to stick to step one....Take it slow.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

time for a raise

well I am freaking AWESOME!! I got my year evaluation and I got glowing reviews and another dollar raise. There are some areas I need to work on but I am aware they are a problem so I think I can knock them out. I now make as much as aaron does hourly. I am soo excited about what the rest of this year holds for us. This money is going to make it so we can really start to get things paid off and then enjoy making this kind of money. Well enough gloating. I am off to work now.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

no more personal talk at work

So I had a talk with Tami cause I have been feeling left out of friendships at work.. Which is funny cause I thought I did not want to make friends at work. Anyway there is drama with some of the other teachers and I was feeling like my assistant was allowed to join but I wasn't which then made me feel like things were wierd with my assistant but in reality it is all just me.

tami told me that in my peer evaluations I had alot of people say that i shared too much personal stuff at work. I had figured that out on my own this week and have been trying to figure out how to make it stop so this had not come to a big surprise it just hurt that I would be ratted out for sharing too much when everyone else does it as well. but I will be the bigger person and try to get it under control.

So how do I know if what I am sharing is to personal?? Is it just the negative stuff or is in anything about my home live good or bad. It will take some time to figure out what exactly that means but I am sure that I can get it under control. I need to say things like " I am sorry but I don't think its appropriate to talk about this right now" or something. its going to be hard but I think I can do it.

So little blog you are going to have to be my outlet for personal stuff cause I can not use my coworkers anymore. and i do not have anyone else really to complain too. Everyone who I use to do that has left me. They are doing thier own lives and can't be bothered with me anymore. it makes me sad.

Sunday, April 04, 2010

Great craft room organization ideas

Such a bitch

God I can not stop myself from bitching and moaning about everything that my husband does that is not 100% perfect (which is everything). I feel like no one can do anything as good as I can, and so when he messes up its like no shock but yet it pisses me off.

I want to be better but I am not sure what can be done. I have crushed him. He is no longer a man he is my slave and I don't think I wanted that. I just feel so messed up inside that i feel like everyone around me should be perfect to make up for my imperfections. So when that does not happen I get bitchy.

It does not help that I have no one to talk to about it. I really miss having a councilor or friend that was willing to listen and give advise when when needed. But nope do not have that anymore.

maybe I will get some help yea right like I can afford it right now. maybe I will afford it after this stupid garnishment is yea right we will just get another one, and another one and another one. It is a never ending cycle of crap raining down on us.


Selfishness denotes the precedence given in thought or deed to the self, i.e., self interest or self concern. It is the act of placing one's own needs or desires above the needs or desires of others.

Its really sad when you truly start to see those around you turn to this way of thought. I guess all of us at one time or another go though this at some point. But to be soo damn selfish that you can not hink of ANYONE else but yourself that you completely ignore the feelings of others all together. How can that be? Well I spend all day thinking about the feelings of others.....I worry about how I could have made them feel. It makes me sad to know I hurt someone. i am sure I will always be this way.

For those that are selfish and don't think of others and could care less about should think abotu caring just a bit more....just a bit.

Friday, April 02, 2010

My job

I am a member of a small group. I love my job!! It is rare that someone can say this or at least it is rare for me. I get to play with babies and be creative and be in charge. I get to tell others what to do and my boss has my back. I feel very comfortable there.

The babies have thier challenges like when they cry and you can not figure out what they need to feel better. The creativity comes through when I plan what activities we are going to do. There are alot of limitations because they are babies but I still have a ton of things that we do together. I also have a great mural of the kids on the wall and that gets changed some according to the seasons. I make each child a scrapbook for when they leave me and this too helps keep y creativity fresh.

I am nervous because my current assistant is going to be leaving in a month and a half. It is going to be tough I believe to start anew making sure that I am respected and known as knowledgeable enough to be the one in charge. I am worried that one of the part time assistants we have will move up to be my full time assistant. I am worried because I don;t know that we will get along as well as my current assistant. But this is a trial I will have to work through when I need to. We shall see what happens.

Thursday, April 01, 2010


i have not posted in quite a while and this one is a tough one cause I am not sure if I really want to post it but I am going to have to stop worring sooo damn much about other peoples feelings and find a way to vent my own. so if this does not appeal to you then do not read further.

I have been feelings have been while I know this is not your problem and you might not even care but there it is. Why are they hurt? I feel slighted and abused and left out and uncared for. I know that life is crazy and busy and more cause that is how it is for me. I can forgive not being asked to come over for dinner or not having a movie night because I am too tired most of the time to really want to get together. Last time that I tried to talk about us not getting together I was told that you did not want anyone too involved with your life. Well I do not want to be involved with your life in anyway that you might think. i just wanted friends. Plain and simple. Friends that cared enough to give me a simple call or pay a simple visit. There are many many evenings were I could use a friend but there is none there for me or for Aaron. So we both have thrown ourselves into make believe entertainment. again I know this is not you problem but those are the facts.

i have come to think of you as the kind of person that cared about others. and there was a time that i was there for you when you felt like you had no one else to turn too. when I think about it now i wonder if that was a mistake. I feel like it did no good for our friendship...if anything it made it more strained and unreliable.

I know that you are currently having a lot of challenges and I am soooo glad that you are seeking help from the community for alot of those but one question......did you just use me because i feel like you used got me to help you and then you threw me aside. with no other thought as to what i might feel. Maybe it is for the best though because I am finding that I a getting to depressed waiting to be noticed....waiting for my amends. when is that going to come?? When am I going to understand why things happened the way they did. I just want is too late most likely to get our original or even our most recent friendship back but one can hope.

these feelings are real and sure I might need meds half the time to keep some of them in check. I do not expect that these will be resolved any time soon. I think it will take a miracle for both of us to find what we really want to stand for.

I do not want to see friends suffer but at the same time I have soo many issues. Ihave done things that i am not proud not proud that I eat. I eat and watch tv and I am sad. I am sad because I do know how to change but do not see a good reason to change.