Thursday, February 28, 2008

feeling lonely, sad, vulnerable, down

Man it seems like the only times I want to post on here lately is when I am sad and blue. Oh well if it helps what am I to do.

So I think my feelings may just tem from being overly tired and missing my meds yesterday and not having heard from my closest friends lately but who knows. I just have sooo much going on that it is hard to tack don on thing causeing me to feel this way. I need to be with good friends this weekend I think.

I want my kitten allready. I think it would make me feel better too. But it has to be born dang it. LOL oh well.

I am working on helping Cherise read. I think I finally got tired of hearing the teacher complain that i am not doing enough. UGH her teacher drives me crazy. but maybe she is right too and I do not do enough with Cherise. I don't know.

It is sooo hard to take care of 3 growing girls. Especially when you are struggling with getting help from your hubby. He is trying really hard to do better and in some ways he is and maybe I am not giving him enough credit. BUt i feel inadequite for them half the time. Heck I fell asleep last night at 5 and aaron got dinner for them. I felt terrible. I woke up 30 minutes later and had to get my own dinner and then go to a class at 6;30 and I think that is when I started to feel really bad because I left everything for aaron to do last night. But he did a great job. He got the girls in a bath, did the dishes, and got them all in bed. So he did awesome. So why do i get soooo upset about him and his gaming. UGHUGHGUBGUHGUBGHG.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

new start

I am realizing something recently. I may make mistakes and not do what I am suppost to in others eyes, but damnit I am a good person. I love helping others and playing with my children but I also love having a good time and for a small portion of time releive myself of my overwelming responsibility.

I got on Aaron yesterday because he isn't being very good at helping out around the house and with the kids. He is great at responding now when I ask him to help but now I am ready for him to recognize when I need the help and help before I lose it not after.

I have been under sooo much stress the past couple of weeks and the only people supporting me enough are Aaron and Jesse and Will and Amanda. Man I love these guys. It is great to have friends like Will and Amanda to hang out with and be myself with. I can be my occational bad parent or lazy and not get judged for it. And with Jesse she excepts that I have flaws and get cranky and need time to unwind.

Aaron has been really sweet since I got on him. He is trying to recognize when I do need the help. We are struggling to find each other as a couple, we need more intimacy and time alone but we are working on that.

Yesterday when we went to my in laws I was soo worried about the way I looked. I am tired of that. I finally just gave up and told myself that as long as I am cofortable it does not matter what I look like. I am who I am and I know that I strive to look my best at all times and i do not need to worry abotu what others think. And maybe if I keep telling myself that then I will start believing it more then I allready do.

Gary was really awesome yesterday. We came prepared to help pay for pizza and not have to rely on other for money and stuff but he said it was enough for him to knw that we paid for the gas to get up there. But dang Aaron dooes not know when to stop arguing with his dad lol. Its ok he is learning. Plus i am learning that i do not have to feel responsible for what he does. Its a slow process but its begining.

Madison is growing soo dang fast. Her imagination is HUGE. On the way home last night she entertained Aaron and i with her ramblings abotu her imaginary friend and her imaginary school and her general play. It was sooooooo cute.

WhenI go to church I feel like i have to be this perfect person and that everyone there is judging how i am and hopw my children are and are rating what kind of person I really am. I do not like that feeling and that is why it is harder and harder for me to take my family.

"The bad stuff is easier to believe. You ever notice that?"-Julia Roberts Pretty Woman

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

getting a kitten

Yea I am doing it. i am yet agian entering the adventures of owning a Cat. I have a co-worker whos cat is having kittens soon and i get to pick one out when they come. Aaron is not too excited but I assured him that the cat was going to become an indoor outdoor cat so it would make it easier on him.

From the sounds of the mom this is they type of kitty we should be getting but I doot know. This one sure is CUTE!! But I am sooooo excited for this I have been wanting a kitty ever since we got rid of Jack-Jack.

Saturday, February 16, 2008


Myspace Comments @

Atleast I have this going for mr...LOL

Cherise is sooo funny!

ok so as many of you know Cherise is turning 7. She still suffers from all her same problems but is getting a touch better each day with them. BUt I wanted to talk abotu her thumv sucking and something funny she said.

Well she came home from school with a ring pop and said that it helped her to not suck her thumb and I joked heck if that works lets get you a binky. lol Well she took me serious and later asked if she could really get a binky and i told her NO. Then she said "but mom it will help keep my thumb out of my mouth". I told her that she needs to just stop sucking it. And she said "But my thumb wont listen to me" ROFLMAO Oh my she is a nut.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008


Crap!! Some of these fit me lol

If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you live in Idaho.
If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in Idaho.
If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed the wrong number, you live in Idaho.
If 'vacation' means going anywhere south of Salt Lake City for the weekend, you live in Idaho.
If you measure distance in hours, you live in Idaho.
If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you live in Idaho.
If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' and back again in the same day, you live in Idaho.
If you install security lights on your house and garage but leave both unlocked, you live in Idaho.
If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you live in Idaho.
If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you live in Idaho.
If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80, and everyone is still passing you, you live in Idaho.
If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you live in Idaho.
If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction, you live in Idaho.

If you find 10 degrees 'a little chilly' you live in Idaho.
If you actually understand these jokes and forward them to all your IDAHO friends, you live in Idaho.

Thursday, February 07, 2008

You Are Cookie Monster

Misunderstood as a primal monster, you're a true hedonist with a huge sweet tooth.

You are usually feeling: Hungry. Cookies are preferred, but you'll eat anything if cookies aren't around.

You are famous for: Your slightly crazy eyes and usual way of speaking

How you life your life: In the moment. "Me want COOKIE!"

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Tramatic experience

Ok so I get off work at 2 pm today and took maddy home so we could hang out till the girls get to the preschool by bus from school. I head out with maddy to go get the girls and when I hit the main road it was too busy to turn left toward the preschool so I turned right then turned into a gas station so I could just turn right agian and make it easier. Well as I was waiting to turn right I see a kid waling toward the van. Then I quickly realize that it was Kayla!!! WHAT?!?!?! Umm so i open the door for her and she gets in and she is crying. I ask her why she was here and not at the preschool and she said that she tried walking home. Umm no way!!! so I think about yelling at her but she is like frozen and crying. So for now I just tell her she will be fine and go pick up cherise. But I was totally freaked.

Kayla's school gets out at 3 and her bus gets to the preschool by 3:45. That was about the time that I saw her at the gas station. So for 45 minutes my daughter wandered around Moscow trying to make it home or to the preschool. OOOOMMMMGGGGGG!!! I am totally shaking at the ideas that come into my head of what could have happened.

but I am sooo glad that i found her and that i was guided to go the way i did. I told her that that was bad but she was safe now. I also told her what could have happened if I had not found her. and obviously told her that we should not try that agian. PLus I had to call the school and tell them abotu it. The principal was freaked by it too. He is going ot have a talk to kayla tomorrow.

it makes me think of this poem:


One night a man had a dream. He dreamed He was walking along the beach with the LORD. Across the sky flashed scenes from His life. For each scene He noticed two sets of footprints in the sand. One belonging to Him and the other to the LORD.
When the last scene of His life flashed before Him, He looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of His life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times of His life.
This really bothered Him and He questioned the LORD about it. LORD you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me.
The LORD replied, my precious, precious child, I Love you and I would never leave you! During your times of trial and suffering when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.

Carolyn Carty, 1963

Straight all the time now

no this does not refer to my sexual orientation all though that is correct for that too lol. I am refering to my hair. I got it cut a little while ago and I HATE it!!. Or atleast I hate it curly. I thought that I would get nice cute curls but NO. Iget some wave in the front and cute curls in the back UGH!!. SO I am now straightening it every day. Its kind of a pain but with it being soo short it does not take as long and looks way better. BUt I just have to say that HAIRSPAY is my new best friend lol.

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

We do not do this at our preschool but I thought this was funny.

Sunday, February 03, 2008

Super bowl baby!!!

So we are hanging out with our friends, eatting crap food, playing Wii, and now we re watching the pre-game. Go Paula!!! Whoo hoo!! We will be routing for the paatriats but honestly I do not care. I'm just here for the fun, food, and drinks. LOL

Friday, February 01, 2008