Saturday, September 09, 2006

I just woke up from a dream where I was arguing with Jesse and Tara about the fact that I say "NO" to the kids at preschool to often. They wanted me to start taking the time to say thing like "not right now" or whatever was appropriate for the situation. And I was saying that "NO" should be enough. So we were arguing and I was getting madder and madder to the point that I really wanted to just leave and I could tell they wanted the same. But yet I was pleading with them for understanding and another chance to prove that I can change and will do what they want. And the whole time there was this other woman there. Much younger with black curly hair. She was not anyone that I knew at all. I got the feeling that she was a new employee. And she was shouting "Get out!" and calling me names. I kept telling her to leave and that she had no part of this. And then Jesse and Tara would get mad that I was talking to her like that. In the end I did convince them to let me stay for another chance. But nothing was the same.

Waking up from this dream has made me scared that when Jesse and Tara's new employees start they are going to realize that I might not be someone they want working there anymore. It has bothered me ever since they said they were hiring a part time person to assist me in the infant/toddler room. And frankly I think it is stupid that I do feel this way. I know that they like me and the work that I have been doing so far. I know what areas I do need to improve in and every day I work toward improving that. I just wish that I was more assured of myself. I am always thinking that others think bad of me some how. And it makes me strive to do more for other people, which I know is a good thing. But when and how can I start to feel that I am enough for the things I need to do?? I just want these feeling of inadequacy gone from me. But then I am sure that there are a lot of people the feel the same way as I do.


Kelli said...

It's hard as your friend to see such a lack of confidence in you. This is because I know how talented you are, but I also know how hard you work to please people and do a good job for them. Sometimes people will see that and take advantage of you...and push you hard without any words of praise or letting you know that you are doing well. They may be afraid that if they give you praise they may lose control over you. I don't know, maybe I'm way off here. Just some thoughts. I think you are a great girl. You grow everyday and become even more wonderful. I'm proud of you;)

lavender & sage said...

Thank you Kelli.