Sunday, July 16, 2006

BLAH!!!

You know I think I really should stop comming on here. It starts to make me feel like my life is just soo boring. I look at other peoples blogs and that fact that they have people commenting on thier blog and it seems to be people that care about the blogger. I feel kinda like I don't have many that do care abotu me. Which is sooo ridiculas because I have proof that i have lots of people that care about. UGH I am a dork.

OK so I think I am getting hit hard by my deppression right now. And since I took my meds late today it makes sence. But some of the feelings I am having I know are justified. Ever since I started my new j0b and my friends moved away the only one to show me they still care is my dear hubby, and my mom. I talk to my friends some and my siblings and other folk but I do not get the feeling of caring. And it makes me wonder what am I doing wrong? Am I asking too much?? Am I not reading people right? What? What should i be doing different.

When ever I talk to my friends on the phone I think I dominate the conversation which I know is not right. But I am trying to change that one. But then I find that we run out of things to say which makes me sad. We used to get on the phone and talk, and talk, and talk and always have something to talk about. But now its all different. And yes I know that when people move awya things are going to change, I guess I just did not realize how much.

Well now I am realizing I have to lean harder on the people that are around me. But that is very hard for me to do. I have real trust issues with people. I feel like if I share too much of myself it will get used agienst me. SO I guess that is why I feel the way I do about my friends that moved away. I KNOW that they do not use my feelings or past experiences agienst me. They are the truest of friends. ANd I know that they care. So I am having a hard time finding someone that will be like them.

I gave my true feelings and self to my mother in law when my husband and I were first married and later it really came back to bite me when Aaron and I where having problems. So I think I am very hesitant to share agian because I do not want to regret it later. Its something I need to work on.

3 comments:

Starmom74 said...

Actually your not alone in feeling like that. It takes a lot of practising to "LOOK" outside of yourself. Sometimes with todays busy times most people get so caught up with their own "life" that they forget that other people are going through their own "test by fire"
Learn to be a good listener. Give advice "only" when asked.
Giving service is a good way to "move" outside of yourself.
I hope things start looking up for ya.
You know your loved, in your heart. Convincing your head of that sometimes is the hard part.

Kelli said...

That's some great advice from your mom.

Making close friends, really, truly, bosom friends is not easy. It doesn't happen often. I have my sister here so that helps me. I know that I probably won't hang out with my friend Magean that often because we are thirty-five miles apart and life is crazy, but when I saw her I remembered the greatness of close friendship. When I talk to you on the phone Sabrina, I remember how good it feels to know that people, friends, like you exist even if I don't always see or talk to you. Someone said that God's love is like the stars, you can't always see them, but you know they are there. I think this applies to true friends as well. The memory of the closeness we have shared is what helps us hang on during those times when we feel like there are no friends around anywhere. I thank you for your friendship. I love you girl!

lavender & sage said...

I am sorry for this post actually because I should never post when I am depressed. All I do is complain. I do know that I am loved and I know who my truest friends are. And Mom and Kelli you are both on my list. Thank you for the great comments. I will look back at them often when I need reminders of who is there for me.