Monday, March 23, 2009

Just ramblings....

I totaly miss updating here. I never have the time or brain powere usually.

I am jaut soo sad all the time lately. My preschool is closing, i have to find a job, We have to buy a washer, We may have to move agian in a few months cause our landlord is an ass. I just do not understand why I am always under the sad spell. I get really tired of it that is for sure. I was just want to stop being soo sad all that time. But I really do not know how. i keep allowing things to effect me so deeply. Like take the dumbass landlord for instance. He is being a prick but he has his reasons I am sure. Well I am furious that he is doing this. But i hate that he is causing me to feel this way, so I feel ashamed for that too. UGH I just need to vent and i have every right to vent so i am going to do that here. If noone reads this then that is probably for the best as I do not seem to make too much sence anyway. I have to put getting my CDA on hold to get a washer. UGH that makes me mad. I have been trying to better myself by doing classes and such and now a dang washer is standing in my way. Its only temperary but its is still there. I have a job opertunity at another daycare but it is not garanteed. I do not know if i really want to work there anyway. I don't know. I am jsut griping. What I really want to do is get a really big glas of wine and gulp it down fast and then I do not have to care about anything for a small amount of time. But that is not how to handle stuff like this. Plus i do not have any. I am finally getting more organized I think. I wish I could control all aspects of every event that happens in my life. I can not though so i feel like i have let myself down in some way. I know I feel like a bad mom like ALL the time. The only other person that i know understands that is Kelli but I think she is an awesome mom and person to beable to handle her trials and still put up with me in the midst of it all. I feel like the worst friend on the planet cause i gripe sooo dang much. I feel like a horrible wife like all the time and wish Aaron knew how his looks and glances at me made me feel even worse. I really need to be medicated I think.


Kelli said...

You are a great friend, and as long as you don't mind my griping, I don't mind yours :D
You don't just gripe all the time either. We do a lot of fun things together and laugh together. You have been there for me during some of my toughest moments...seriously. You are one friend who I know I can tell anything to, and you won't judge me, but you will always love me the same. People who have that quality are in SHORT supply!

About finding a place to live, I don't think it will be a problem because there are TONS of places around here for rent already. I know moving sucks...believe me I know. I am more than happy to come over at nights and help you pack though when you get to that point. You have done that for me in the past too.

I also know how it feels to be angry at someone but wish you weren't and wish their actions didn't bother you. So frustrating! I read this awesome book a while back that helped me with that. It helped me not be so mad at myself and then let it go. I blogged about it a few months ago and titled the blog "forgiveness" I quoted some passages from the book that really helped me. You can read it if you want or borrow the book. The book is cool cause each page only has a short paragraph on it that is a mediation type saying. So it goes fast. Anyway, I love ya and we will get through all our crap! :D

Love you!


Sabrina said...

thank you Kelli!