I just woke up from a dream where I was arguing with Jesse and Tara about the fact that I say "NO" to the kids at preschool to often. They wanted me to start taking the time to say thing like "not right now" or whatever was appropriate for the situation. And I was saying that "NO" should be enough. So we were arguing and I was getting madder and madder to the point that I really wanted to just leave and I could tell they wanted the same. But yet I was pleading with them for understanding and another chance to prove that I can change and will do what they want. And the whole time there was this other woman there. Much younger with black curly hair. She was not anyone that I knew at all. I got the feeling that she was a new employee. And she was shouting "Get out!" and calling me names. I kept telling her to leave and that she had no part of this. And then Jesse and Tara would get mad that I was talking to her like that. In the end I did convince them to let me stay for another chance. But nothing was the same.

Waking up from this dream has made me scared that when Jesse and Tara's new employees start they are going to realize that I might not be someone they want working there anymore. It has bothered me ever since they said they were hiring a part time person to assist me in the infant/toddler room. And frankly I think it is stupid that I do feel this way. I know that they like me and the work that I have been doing so far. I know what areas I do need to improve in and every day I work toward improving that. I just wish that I was more assured of myself. I am always thinking that others think bad of me some how. And it makes me strive to do more for other people, which I know is a good thing. But when and how can I start to feel that I am enough for the things I need to do?? I just want these feeling of inadequacy gone from me. But then I am sure that there are a lot of people the feel the same way as I do.

Man, this world is soo messed up!!

I just do not understand this additude that the world has about marriage. I just found out today that a friend that got married a year or so ago is getting divorced. Not because they are having any big issues, just because they are not happy in thier marriage. We went to thier wedding. At the daycare we just got a new baby and the mom told us that the dad could not pick up the baby because they are in the middle of a divorce and he is not a good dad. The baby is 4 months old. The worst divorce I have been hearing abotu is one of my best friends who got married a year before my hubby and I did. hey struggled with living arrangements, money, and having children. My friend had just had twins and 6 months after they where born my friend found out that her husband was not being honest to her and possibly not faithful to her also. So she was forced to file for a divorce, even though she still loved him and truely hoped they could work it out.

Aaron and I have had our share of problems and issues in the past and I am sure we are going to have more in the future. And when i look back it makes me sad when there were those times that I threatened divorce with him. I do not think that even with all that we have been through that we will ever have to resally and truely go through a divorce to make things better. Divorce does not always make things better.