new start

I am realizing something recently. I may make mistakes and not do what I am suppost to in others eyes, but damnit I am a good person. I love helping others and playing with my children but I also love having a good time and for a small portion of time releive myself of my overwelming responsibility.

I got on Aaron yesterday because he isn't being very good at helping out around the house and with the kids. He is great at responding now when I ask him to help but now I am ready for him to recognize when I need the help and help before I lose it not after.

I have been under sooo much stress the past couple of weeks and the only people supporting me enough are Aaron and Jesse and Will and Amanda. Man I love these guys. It is great to have friends like Will and Amanda to hang out with and be myself with. I can be my occational bad parent or lazy and not get judged for it. And with Jesse she excepts that I have flaws and get cranky and need time to unwind.

Aaron has been really sweet since I got on him. He is trying to recognize when I do need the help. We are struggling to find each other as a couple, we need more intimacy and time alone but we are working on that.

Yesterday when we went to my in laws I was soo worried about the way I looked. I am tired of that. I finally just gave up and told myself that as long as I am cofortable it does not matter what I look like. I am who I am and I know that I strive to look my best at all times and i do not need to worry abotu what others think. And maybe if I keep telling myself that then I will start believing it more then I allready do.

Gary was really awesome yesterday. We came prepared to help pay for pizza and not have to rely on other for money and stuff but he said it was enough for him to knw that we paid for the gas to get up there. But dang Aaron dooes not know when to stop arguing with his dad lol. Its ok he is learning. Plus i am learning that i do not have to feel responsible for what he does. Its a slow process but its begining.

Madison is growing soo dang fast. Her imagination is HUGE. On the way home last night she entertained Aaron and i with her ramblings abotu her imaginary friend and her imaginary school and her general play. It was sooooooo cute.

WhenI go to church I feel like i have to be this perfect person and that everyone there is judging how i am and hopw my children are and are rating what kind of person I really am. I do not like that feeling and that is why it is harder and harder for me to take my family.

"The bad stuff is easier to believe. You ever notice that?"-Julia Roberts Pretty Woman