Hmm interesting

Ok so I had a realization. My parents are not cool. When we were going to church but having soo many financial issues, they helped us out financially and came to see us and did stuff with us. Especially my mom, we would talk on msn all the time, and she would come kidnap me and take me away. But now that we do not go to church and are not doing things they approve of they hardly speak to me or the girls. They don't seem to care about us as much. It makes me sad that church is something that makes you closer to people but if you don't go then you do not get that. Why can't you have friends and your family and still not have to go to church. There is no point in going if all you are going for is to get friends and socialize. Plus I am not willing to give up one of the two days a week I have to relax and get myself in order agian before i go back to work.

I am here!!!

Noone even reads this crap. I don't even know why I still have this up. Man i am sooo depressed about our finances and my family life right now. I am trying to keep it together but its hard. I do not know why i try soo hard sometimes. It just seems so mundane and pointless. I keep throwing money away and not seeing any real profit. Not gain. Not one step closer to being an upstanding human with success. Not valued. Its horrific.

I am fairly certian that i am Bi polar but can not afford the time or the money ot really find out. I got really close recently but my councilor left and i did not want to have to start over with another one. Now I do not know what to do. Plus I feel like those how act like they care for me really do not as much as they have said.

I am ok just get blue sometimes. I am continually exhausted after working fulltime and doing things for my family. I have a hard time seeing the good sometimes. BUt i know that my family is the most important thing there is and I need to do all I can to get us to a better place.

The girls have really been enjoying thier Nanny Beth. She truely is a gret asset to me. I still really like my job. It an be tough going from one group of kids to mine but it is totally something I can handle. I have been at the worst daycare for 3 years so my new job seems like cake. Ok just wanted ot update a more possitive post.

I feel myself falling for the same traps I fell into several years ago. I feel depression and anxiety taking over me agian. I have been bitchy to my husband and family and feeling as if I have no friends. I hate these feelings. I hate even more that there is not much I can do about them. I can not seek out the help i need due to time and finacial restraints. I just do not know where to turn for help. I feel alone...so alone. I keep trying to create beauty around me but it does not conceal the pain I feel inside.

bit of a rant

I am working my ass off to make money along with aaron. But i am trying soo hard to conserve money too. I took up recycling to reduce the cost of our garbage. I wash in cold not so I can save electricity. And I try to keep lights off and stuff to just keep costs down. And my husband keeps on doing the oposite. Ugh I just wish I could make him understand how important it is to conserve. Ok rant over lol

to my new life

ok so its the same life just with great new twists. I totally love my job. It ofcource has its moments but I can see being there for a long time. My assistant is really nice and great to work with. THe house we moved into is pretty good too. I can not say that i love it because it smells of cat pee and is lacking in storage but it is a place to live and the kids are close to the pool, gracie and others that they can have fun with and they have never really had that. I am happy. and it has been a while since I could actually say that. So here's to happiness and a twist on my life that was much needed.

My new job

OK so I am soo excited that I decided to go after the newdaycare job. It is soo nice over there. They really seem ot like each other and help each other out. It really clean and focused on the children. Tammi said that there have been issues with drama but they are all like college girls so I hope that will keep me from getting involved. Oha and in may I have a DESK un holy cow. Its nothing too spectacular but its a desk of my own and that is cool. So now I just have to survive the move and everything will be great this summer. WHOO HOO. It feels soooo good to finally have things go right. Thank you GOD!!!

My current life

So its Easter. I think that its a fun day of eating candy and doing nothing much else. lol. I kinda do wish that we had made plans to go to church or do something though. It would have been nice to have something to do.

Anyway......

I wanted to talk about all the STUFF that is going on. OK so first I think I have a new job. It is at a Preschool and I really like the Director. I just have to work out what I am going to do with the children as the preschool does not have room for anymore after school children right now. So I think I am starting atleast part time next week and then fulltime by the end of the month. I am trying to just get most of my summer covered and make it to the fall where they will all them be in school full time and then things can settle down. So to start I need someone to watch them just 3 days a week for 2 hours in the afternoon after school. That one seems to be tricky. But then i also will need full time care during the summer fro 8am -5pm EVERYDAY. And the sad thing is that I can not offer a whole lot of money. I am kinda hoping I guess that I can find a student that would not mind alot of work for little pay lol.

OK so the next thing is that we have to move agian. Our landlord (WHO IS AN ASS) is selling our house and so I want to get out ASAP. Which means we move before May so I do not have to give the man anymore rent. Well we did find the house we like. Its older but its 4 bedroom and right by the pool and schools (oh and Kelli lol). It has a huge yard and the guy seems fine with our dogs. So we gave him our application and we will have to see what he says. But we are also looking at 2 other places on monday. I want to be sure to look at every available before we make our final choice. My hope is that this is our last move until we are able to BUY our own home.

And yea we are in the process of getting our own home. For us this is HUGE. We haven't had the best luck financially in the past 10 years but the past 3 years have been sooooo much better then ever. So we found out that with the USDA Rural Program they help out low income families get there own home. We do have some credit rebuilding before we qualify but after a year I think we will be able to see this be a reality.

that last thing I wanted to talk about was my sweet daughter Cherise. I feel sad because I approached my mom about haveing all 3 of my daughters up there this summer but one at a time. She said well yea I would have Kayla. And when I explained that i was thinking about all of them she really hesitated about Cherise. She said that she doesn't think that they get along and so it wouldn't work. I was devistated becauce Cherise has gotten the short end of the stick for a while now when it has come to both mine and Aarons family. Not too many family members see her as someone they want to spend time with. I told my mom that it made me sad to hear her say that about one of her grandchildren and told her how she gets that too from Aarons family (using guilt) and she did change her mind saying it might be a good opertunity to get to know her and that she could alway send her back if it did not work. I guess this just really hut me in soo many ways. I know my children (not just cherise) have dificult moments. But it seems that mine and Aarons family only value Kayla as the worthwhile child. But I have 3 children that are of worth and are great to spend time with. I guess I just expected that all 3 of my children would be loved the same by thier extended family. And now that I am seeing they are not it truely saddens me to the core. Well I will not force any of my children on to someone. I do hoope though that our families start to realize the value of every child in it. Not just those that are quiet and cooperative all the time.


So this is currently how things are for me. I am under soooo much stress that I and my councilor often wonder how I get out of bed in the morning and yet I do. (first one usually) but soon things will settle down. I hope!!!!!!!!!!

Just ramblings....

I totaly miss updating here. I never have the time or brain powere usually.

I am jaut soo sad all the time lately. My preschool is closing, i have to find a job, We have to buy a washer, We may have to move agian in a few months cause our landlord is an ass. I just do not understand why I am always under the sad spell. I get really tired of it that is for sure. I was just want to stop being soo sad all that time. But I really do not know how. i keep allowing things to effect me so deeply. Like take the dumbass landlord for instance. He is being a prick but he has his reasons I am sure. Well I am furious that he is doing this. But i hate that he is causing me to feel this way, so I feel ashamed for that too. UGH I just need to vent and i have every right to vent so i am going to do that here. If noone reads this then that is probably for the best as I do not seem to make too much sence anyway. I have to put getting my CDA on hold to get a washer. UGH that makes me mad. I have been trying to better myself by doing classes and such and now a dang washer is standing in my way. Its only temperary but its is still there. I have a job opertunity at another daycare but it is not garanteed. I do not know if i really want to work there anyway. I don't know. I am jsut griping. What I really want to do is get a really big glas of wine and gulp it down fast and then I do not have to care about anything for a small amount of time. But that is not how to handle stuff like this. Plus i do not have any. I am finally getting more organized I think. I wish I could control all aspects of every event that happens in my life. I can not though so i feel like i have let myself down in some way. I know I feel like a bad mom like ALL the time. The only other person that i know understands that is Kelli but I think she is an awesome mom and person to beable to handle her trials and still put up with me in the midst of it all. I feel like the worst friend on the planet cause i gripe sooo dang much. I feel like a horrible wife like all the time and wish Aaron knew how his looks and glances at me made me feel even worse. I really need to be medicated I think.

We have Moved!!!

Wow soo much has happened since after christmas. We had started looking for a new house to move to soo we could finally get some extra space. Well at first we did not find anything except a new dog....lol. we adopted Frodo, a small rat terrier. He is 4 years old and a great addition to our family. Then we continued looking. We found a very nice house in a great part of town. So we applied for it and someone else got it. Bummer. But the search continued. We knew there was somethign out there for us. So on wednesday in the second week of January we found a big house that was a bit higher in rent we were willing to pay. But after talking to the landlord he was willing to lower the rent price. So I went and took a look at it. HUGE!!!! A bit on the older side but it was just perfect for us. There was no application to fill out we just had to get him the rent. We did manage it and then that fallowing saturday we moved in. It took all of one hour and thirty minutes to load and then unload. That was great. After talking to our land lord I found out it would be ok to paint.....WHOO HOO!!!!. SO now I am painting Madison's room nd will soon be moving on to other rooms. I will post pictures of befores and after and such as soon as they are available...(camera batteries are dead).